Me vs. Me

So these past few (really 10+) months recovering from shoulder surgery have been quite the experience!  I could (and probably will) write lots about this process...but the purpose of this today is to discuss my experience with participating in the 2018 CrossFit Open in a much different capacity than what I was used to.... I had shoulder surgery July 19, 2017.  It was really just a big clean out - cleaning up a small labral tear, small bicep tendon tear, getting rid of some bone spurs, cleaning up the chunky cartilage on my humeral head, and resecting the end of my clavicle.  I fully expected to be ready for the Open this year….not just able to do everything...but like really compete & make regionals! Around mid December it became very apparent that I was probably NOT going to be ready. I was not able to really do any overhead activity as well as any gymnastics really (definitely no kipping) which was super frustrating.  So as the open inched closer I really was not working very hard. Continuing to hurt and not be able to do a bunch of the stuff I enjoy led to VERY low motivation & figured I just would’nt do the open. I mean, why would I?! I wanted to make regionals...that goal was lost...why even participate?! The first weekend approached- we had a good fun Saturday at Friendship with lots of people doing the workout- some extremely competitive, some who scaled!  I kind of thought, “hm, maybe I will just do it” but just didn’t and went on with my weekend. When I went in on Monday, Maria (who is an extremely good athlete), was going to do the workout because she had been sick all weekend.  She did not want to do it alone so I said I would just do it alongside her. I worked my way through toes to bar (which I did strict), dumbbell clean and jerks, and rowing (which was WAY more tiring than I would have liked) & ended up with a score.  A good score, NO! But a score. And I did 70 toes to bar! 70! I was actually kind of proud of that! So- I went and signed up & entered my score! At first entering that was a little ebarrassing...like what if people saw it and were like “wow, what happened to her?!”...but after more thinking about it I realized who cares?!  If people thought that 1. They are dicks and 2. Am I doing this for them? Nope! It’s for me...and all I can do is my best, and I really felt I did that.  I decided I would take it week by week- do what I could. If something came out I was not sure of...I would just do what I could with it!  No pressure, no expectations.  Week 2 came. Dumbell front squats and burpees then a max clean.  Really at first I thought that the squats and burpees wouldn’t be so bad on my shoulder...which is true...but remember... low motivation and not working very hard was not good for the lungs!   I worked my way through the ladder, at one point I remember thinking “seriously Jenny, this should not be this hard, you have really let your fitness go!” and feeling a little disappointed. I kept plugging along, trying not to kill myself because I really wanted to clean!  I started at 175# because when I warmed up that felt really heavy! (which was also mildly disappointing that it felt so heavy). But when I did the clean right after finishing the workout it felt fine! I knew I needed a little rest so should only take 1 more lift. I told Jeff (the owner of Friendship and my judge for 99.9% of my career open workouts) to just put on whatever would help the team if I made it.  I mean why not? Nothing to lose, and if I can be helpful for the team, great! So 216# went on the bar….I had not cleaned over 200# since the last May at USAW nationals. I caught it...but just couldn’t quite stand up! Oh well! I was ecstatic that I tried that heavy weight, it went up pretty easy, and I caught it. We will take that as a victory!  Week 3.  And there it is!  The Muscle-up! What would I do?  Should I try one? I decided that I would warm my shoulder up really well...do the first part of the workout… then see how I felt about it.  I worked through 100 double unders (which are very tiring when you don’t train them regularly) then to over head squats. That was definitely the most OH squats I had done since surgery!  Then back to the tiring DU! OK! Muscle-up time! I did some kips…..didn’t feel good, but also did not hurt to the point that I felt like I shouldn’t do them. Brough a box over and practiced jumping up to the catch position to see if that would be ok… also, great? No.  but ok, yes. So I decided I would do it! I tried and failed! But will say….was very nervous and probably did not put forth my best effort. So I wanted to try again...like really try...no matter how scary it was. I did it! I made a muscle-up! It did not feel good enough to think I should do more than one….but I did it!  I was happy! Like really happy….tears in my eyes….proud of myself…..  Week 4. Ok….so I love this workout!  I do not love deadlifts...but I do love handstand push-ups!  ALOT! I actually started feeling some expectations….thinking that I really should do ok at this, maybe get to the handstand walk?  Maybe finish?! Rational Jenny did know that I did not really train deadlifts at all, which are already a challenging movement for me, and had done probably a total of 30 hspu and 20 feet of handstand walking since probably the last open…..so….I let my goal just be finishing Diane.  I was slightly disappointed during the workout with how 1. Hard the 205 deadlifts felt and 2. How tired I was…..again some of those thoughts that I let myself slip so far backwards. But I was really proud of the handstand push ups & more importantly probably felt that little bit of fire for wanting to do well...which had been missing. Week 5.  Last week!  Typically I would love this workout also!  This workout was actually the first time I ever did chest to bar years ago, not during the open, but when Friendship retested it that first year I was doing CrossFit.  But this year...I had done zero chest to bars since surgery, and really couldn’t kip much. I figured I would just do small kip singles for the chest to bar and do my best.  I ended up doing 35 chest to bar & not blowing up my shoulder! Man- those unbroken thrusters got my heart going though! Ha!  So there it was!  5 weeks of workouts where I did them all as prescribed and walked away every week with something to be proud of.   Sure, I had some moments of disappointment...but overall did things I hadn’t done in a long time & found a little bit of my fire again.  And isn’t that what the open is all about anyway? Going out, doing your best, and proving some things to yourself?