What's up with that shoulder?!
So a year ago today I had shoulder surgery. The surgery was really just a big clean out…..I had the expectation that I would be back and ready to go in about 12 weeks...be able to train….make CrossFit regionals & be able to lift competitively….well …. WRONG! Just want to give an update of what all has gone on and why maybe you don’t see me training like I once was or would like to…..LEADING UP TO SURGERYWe will start WAY back! I had some shoulder problems toward the end of my competitive gymnastics career. Some shoulder impingement where I had a couple of cortisone injections and some PT. It would improve but then always come back. It really was part of the reason I stopped doing gymnastics, I just couldn’t get it all the way better!I will fast forward just a few years….Pre CrossFit….I did normal workouts, played with gymnastic some, played volleyball...really my shoulder held up pretty well! I did have a fairly major elbow surgery in there (UCL reconstruction/Tommy John surgery), but recovered well. My first few years of CrossFit I really did not have much shoulder pain, at least not regularly! I will say that fairly regularly I would have pain relaxing out of a front rack. Every once in awhile I would have some pain kipping or overhead, but if I rested it a bit and did a good job with mobility and PT exercises it would improve. At the end of the open last year I started having more regular pain. I had decided since I did not have a great open and did not make regionals I would lift at USAW nationals (which I had already qualified for), so started training more lifting...which was good because some typical CF stuff had been hurting. As training progressed for nationals I started having more pain in the front rack and overhead position for a jerk (snatch was not as bad because it was a wider grip). I had to do a huge amount of mobility/foam rolling/lacrosse ball to be able to get into these positions. I definitely skipped some of my workouts because it hurt too much, but was able to make it through the meet. When I got back I decided I would rest my arm and just do good rehab stuff & things that didn’t bother it at all. It started to feel better so I started easing back into more normal activity. I did a workout one day, without any pain during the workout at all...then a few hours later I couldn’t lift my arm at all. It was definitely time to get some things checked out. I had an MRI which showed some arthritis, a few bone spurs, a small labral tear, and a biceps tear. I had surgery a few weeks later. The doctor said that there was a chance I would need a biceps tenodesis depending on how bad it looked while he was in there but other than that just clean all that mess up! I had surgery where they decided the bicep could just be cleaned up, debride the labral tear, distal clavicle resection, get rid of those pesky bone spurs, and shave down the chunky cartilage on my humeral head. My expectation, like I said earlier, was a couple months and I would be good as new!
POST SURGERYI started PT a few days after surgery. Really felt like I was doing pretty well right away! I still had some pinching working on flexion (reaching overhead), but figured that was just still healing! I was patient with workouts, really resting for like a week and a half then when getting back just biking or sled pulling. I figured this was a time to give my whole body and my mind some rest that was probably very needed.
As I progressed I started working back into more volume with CrossFit. I started using outside programming in hopes that it would get me back up to speed & ready to have a great open. I hit a pretty good plateau with my shoulder which make it hard to work into more regular programming...I could work some strict pull-ups/toes to bar as well as lifting, but a fair amount still hurt. I worked hard on PT exercises and was having work done on it to help regain the mobility. Still going over head was causing some pinching...that I was still trying to be patient with...but as time progressed it was hard to stay that way! I had some times that were great - excited to do some good handstand push-ups, snatching going fairly well....but overall I felt disappointment over and over. Some was my shoulder and how it was not progressing like I expected. Some was in my fitness. There were things I could do that did not affect my shoulder at all, that I was just not doing well at! Another thing to be patient with, I had not really worked hard after the open (at least not with cardio since I was focusing on lifting) and did give myself some time totally off after surgery...but still why did everything feel SO hard! 
Time went on and I really wasn't able to progress certain things, I had tried kipping a few times and it was definitely not something that my shoulder liked! A few things like snatching or going over head actually started to feel worse. I was in a place of try to push it because it needs to move or give it rest to heal? I'm honestly still not sure what was right? I think I tried a good bit of both! I went in January to see the doctor since I still did not have full motion (this is 6 months later...and I was really thinking I'd be really good by 12 weeks...). I really felt like something in my anterior shoulder and inside the joint was not good. We were going to do a cortisone injection, but I really wanted it in the front and he thought we should go more posterior into my rotator cuff. We had a discussion about it and I eventually agreed to go with his plan. After a few days I had very minimal improvement in pain or motion, so disappointing. At this same time I am realizing the open is coming and there is no way I will be ready in multiple ways. I consistently feel like a failure at this point not being able to fully complete programming, and honestly sucking at some of it, so I stop following programming and decide I need to just focus on something else for a bit. I'm pretty heartbroken that none of this goes as planned...I still complete the open (read about this here!) and am able to do a few things I hadn't done before...which mentally felt great, but physically was not great for my shoulder. I started focusing more on lifting around this time again, still with some cardio mixed in, but not the pressure of trying to get back to all the CrossFit stuff my shoulder was saying no to!I waited a couple months after that injection - thinking back, it really did nothing for me, maybe I should have been more aggressive seeking attention sooner after that, but I really thought an injection in the front could help and I knew I needed 3 months between injections. So right at that 3 month mark I saw a sports med physician I work with to have a diagnostic ultrasound done. It showed a pretty nasty looking bicep tendon with a giant calcification in it. Also probably another osteophyte on my humeral head and a pretty healthy looking rotator cuff (yay!). We did an injection into that bicep at that point. I really felt some improvement! A definite improvement in pain and could move better...not full motion, but better! This feels positive! We identified a problem and at least could work toward fixing it. I had about 2 weeks of improvement...then right back down hill.
That 2 weeks was exciting, losing more motion and having more pain so quickly was not. Really killed any motivation I had left. Over the next several weeks motion actually continues to decline. I decide to make an appointment with a different surgeon who I can't get in to see for over a month. Making that appointment actually does motivate me some that I could find an answer! I start doing a little more cardio stuff and to tighten up my eating (read more here! ) I feel like maybe there is a light at the end of this long tunnel?! Even if this ends with having to fix my bicep, at least in my mind there is a solution!I see her last week- and yes, she thinks my bicep needs fixed and is a major pain generator...but says that my arthritis is a bigger problem- so we might need to do something far more...a partial replacement. What this means for my future of getting back to things l love (I really haven't done any of my favorite exercise things in over a year now....a full year of stuff I'm not good at and don't love is not that fun) is unclear. I will continue to ask questions of people who have dealt with this more and that I respect and will make the best choice for me.I try to keep things in perspective. I still have an arm, I don't have cancer, no one I love has been ill or in a tragic accident.....I am thankful for all of that....but this does suck. I listened recently to a podcast by Justin Sua (which I listen everyday) and it talked about the injured athlete...and it was so true. I frequently go through a grieving process. I get sad and have felt a good amount of depression. Everyone else I see who had surgery around the same time as me is kicking ass- so why not me?! Man, there has got to be a reason and I will surly figure it out...but for now I just keep hoping I find peace with a solution that suits me. If I can not get back to doing all the fitness things I love or ever getting out on that competition floor again I am sure I will be ok...at least maybe I will be able to do all my daily things without pain and sleep through the night?! It at least serves as a reminder that I am a lot more than just good at exercise and there are lots of other important things in life...